Introduction: Orientation to College Angst
1. The Most Difficult Time to Get Into College in the History of the World
Frightening statistics, shocking pie charts, depressing bar graphs
2. Let the Anxiety Begin
Why you need a bunch of expensive helpers to get your kid to write a decent two-page essay
3. The Early Years
Yes, you really do need to kiss up to the director of the Yellow Balloon Preschool
4. Lining Up Your Ducks
It’s never to early to begin padding your resume
5. The College List
How to narrow down the list to 29
6. The College Tour
The trip of a lifetime: Quality bonding or a damaged relationship forever?
7. Testing
Hands down, the worst part of the admissions process (until your kid gets a 2260)
8. The Essay
Let your “you” shine through, even if it's a you conjured up by an independent college counselor
9: The Uncommon App
OMG! I was supposed to get awards? And have activities? They’re telling me that now?
10. Advanced Application Strategies
Organizational advice and obscure last-minute passions for teens and their meddling parents
11. Financial Aid
Can anyone spare $250K?
12. Diversity
Transgenderism, the Lost Boys of Sudan, North Dakota and more
13. Waiting
At this point in the process, your teen is probably not speaking to you, so it’s time to let go of your controlling ways
14. Rejected/Deferred
What to expect when they’re rejecting
15. Accepted
What a relief! Now your child can forget about changing the world and go back to playing video games
16. Separation Anxiety
If you’re the emotional type, skip this chapter
17. Bed Bath & Bye-Bye
Empty nests on sale—20% off
18. College Life
“If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want to get an education, go to the library”—Frank Zappa
19. Round Two
Having a second child gives you the chance to make the same lame mistakes all over again, plus many new ones
20. Barista Readiness
A college degree is fine, but at the end of the day, they’d better know how to prepare a venti, sugar-free, nonfat, vanilla soy, double-shot, decaf, no-foam, extra-hot, peppermint white chocolate mocha with extra syrup
The Neurotic Parent Glossary
