Co-parenting by Design

The Definitive Guide for Divorced or Separated Parents

by Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner

Published by: High Conflict Institute Press

Imprint: Unhooked Books

232 Pages, 6.00 x 9.00 x 1.00 in

Paperback
9781950057429
Published: December 2024

$19.95

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Description
Contents
Authors
Praise

"The truth is, the way we choose to co-parent will shape our children's healing and their ability to navigate relationships in the future. For any parent facing this journey, this book is a powerful reminder that our children's hearts deserve the greatest care, even when our own are breaking."—JAIME KING, mother, filmmaker, activist

"I will be recommending this book to many of my consultation clients."—BILL EDDY,LCSW, JD, family therapist, lawyer, mediator, and co-author of BIFF for CoParent Communication, developer of the New Ways for Families® parent skills training method, and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute.

In Co-parenting by Design, family law experts Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner help divorced or separated parents agree on a plan that reduces conflict over the parenting schedule, holidays, vacations, medical decisions, education, and safety, and equips readers to deal with special situations like parental alienation and substance abuse.

It’s stressful to be a divorced or separated parent. You may feel that you’re constantly being scrutinized by your co-parent and by the court system. You are expected to be superhuman: to forgive and forget, to be endlessly patient, to be a perfect parent, and to be calm and gracious no matter what. If you feel overwhelmed, you’re not alone.

In Co-parenting by Design, Annette Burns and Nicole Siqueiros-Stoutner offer their combined sixty-plus years of experience in family law to help you let go of these unrealistic expectations and successfully navigate the challenges of parenting after divorce or separation. With customizable sample language you can incorporate in your own document, this book makes it easy to draw up a thorough and effective parenting plan or evaluate a plan provided by a parenting coordinator or other court official.

You’ll learn how to:

come to an agreement about the parenting schedule, holidays, and vacations
address medical decisions, education, safety, your child’s possessions, and more
deal with challenging situations like parental alienation, domestic violence, or your co-parent’s substance abuse
disengage from conflict
communicate effectively
reduce stress
increase your child’s sense of security by conveying solidarity
protect your child’s well-being

With a complete parenting plan in place, you’ll be prepared manage everyday routines and handle the unexpected. Co-parenting by Design helps you overcome conflict and get back to what matters most: enjoying stress-free time with your child.

Part 1: Co-parenting and its Challenges

Chapter 1: Co-parenting

A. How do “Good-Enough” Co-parents Work?

B. Accepting Differences and Ending Competition

C. Parent Education Required by the Court

D. Parenting Coordination

Chapter 2: Obstacles to Co-parenting

A. Poor Parent Communication

B. Gatekeeping Issues

C. Exposing the Child to Parental Conflict

D. Parent-Child Contact Problems and “Alienation”

E. Personality Disorders and Mental Health Issues

F. Substance Abuse of a Parent

G. Domestic Violence

H. How Ineffective Co-parenting Harms Children

Chapter 3: Parallel Parenting: Is it a Solution?

A. Key Concepts of Parallel Parenting

B. Using a Parenting Coordinator Can Support Parallel Parenting

C. Implementing Parallel Parenting Concepts in your Parenting Plan

Chapter 4: Communicating with Your Co-parent

A. Using this Book with your Co-parent

B. Less Blame, More Respect

C. Choosing and Using the Right Communication

D. Keep It Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm

E. More Tips for Writing Effective Emails

F. Apps for Communication Between Parents

G. Don’t Use the Child to Communicate

Part 2: Sample Solutions and Language for Specific Situations

Chapter 5: Time Sharing/Parenting Time

A. Residential care: The Standard Parenting Schedule

B. Infant and Toddler Parenting Time

C. Should a Child be Interviewed?

D. Equal Time?

E. Using an Online Calendar

F. Working Parents and Childcare Considerations

G. Childcare and Caretakers

H. When the Child is Sick

I. Holidays, Vacations, and Special Days

J. Transitions (Exchanges) and Transportation

K. Travel with the Child

L. First Right of Refusal

Chapter 6: Telephone Calls Between Child and Parent

A. Types of Contact

B. Frequency of Contact

C. Environment for Child's Telephone and Facetime Calls

D. Important Guidelines for Parents

E. A Sample (very specific) Phone Call Clause

F. Parent Child Interactions at Special Events

Chapter 7: Child Medical Care Decisions

A. Routine Medical Care, Check-Ups, and Scheduling Appointments

B. Child Therapy and Parents’ Participation

C. Safe Haven Counseling for a Child

Chapter 8: Safety Decisions

A. Car Seats

B. Swimming Pools

C. Trampolines and other “Dangerous” Activities

D. Child Walking to School

E. Motorcycles and Off-Road Motorized Vehicles

F. Child as Babysitter

G. Unsafe Pets

H. Covid and the Pandemic

Chapter 9: Educational Decisions

A. School Enrollment and Decisions

B. Access to School Information and Homework

C. Kindergarten and Elementary School

D. Parent Teacher Conferences

E. Transition from Middle School to High School

F. One Parent’s Desire to Change Schools

G. Parents Living a Substantial Distance Apart

H. Parenting Time and Presence at School

I. Testing

J. Notices of Education Issues

K. School Absences and Tardies

L. The Exceptional Child

Chapter 10: Extracurricular Decisions

A. Concerns about Parenting Time

B. Legitimate Disagreement about what Activity is Best

C. Agreement to an Activity: Notice and Information

D. Who Attends the Activities

E. Payment for activities

"In Co-Parenting by Design, Annette and Nicole have defined and described the realities of co-parenting—with all its ups and downs—in detail, as only experienced family lawyers can do (60 years between them!). They explain common difficulties on up to the high conflict behaviors of child abuse, domestic violence, and parental alienation. Then, they go into great detail about what to do in every possible conflict situation, including the use of parallel parenting, managed emails (including the BIFF method, of course), and parenting schedules. In addition, there is sample language that they offer which can be included in parenting plans. I do a lot of consultations with parents involved in high conflict cases and they often ask for specific language they can use in their agreements or proposed court orders. Coming from these experienced family lawyers, these sample paragraphs are a very useful add-on in making the book highly practical—and helpful in reducing conflict. Another plus is the detailed list of resources at the end, which will save readers a lot of research. I will be recommending this book to many of my consultation clients."-- Bill Eddy, family therapist, lawyer, mediator, and co-author of BIFF for CoParent Communication,developer of the New Ways for Families® parent skills training method, and trainer with the High Conflict Institute

"This book hit me deeply as a single mother who has walked through the pain of a traumatic divorce and witnessed firsthand the profound impact it had on my two boys. With the wisdom and compassion of a family law lawyer, it reminds us that healthy co-parenting isn't just a hopeful ideal—it's a lifeline for our children’s emotional well-being. Through every page, the author’s insights resonated with my own struggles and reaffirmed the critical importance of setting aside conflict to build a foundation of support for our kids. The truth is, the way we choose to co-parent will shape their healing and their ability to navigate relationships in the future. For any parent facing this journey, this book is a powerful reminder that our children's hearts deserve the greatest care, even when our own are breaking."—Jaime King, mother, filmmaker and activist