The Problem Was Me
How to End Negative Self-Talk and Take Your Life to a New Level
by Thomas Gagliano
With Abraham J. Twerski
Published by: Gentle Path Press
Imprint: Gentle Path Press
290 Pages, 6.00 x 9.00 in
- Paperback
- 9780982650578
- Published: August 2011
$16.95
Other Retailers:
The Father's Day message in this book is loud and clear: As parents we are our children's first heroes, whether we want the responsibility or not.
One of the most powerful messages I ever received came from my nine year old son. While watching a baseball game on television, my son asked me why the kids in the stands were so excited. I said some baseball players are heroes to the children. I suggested that someday one of those players might be his hero. My son paused and said to me, "They may be my hero someday, but you will always be my first hero." I was so touched, I could not reply. As parents we are our children's first heroes, whether we want the responsibility or not.
-excerpt from page 42 from The Problem Was Me
Author Tom Gagliano shares his insights on healing from destructive behaviors and finding peace and spirituality. The book includes tools that he gained while recovering from his own personal struggle with negative and compulsive behavior. According to Gagliano and his co-author, Abraham Twerski, many of the common problems people face are brought on by unhealed childhood wounds. Throughout the book, Gagliano provides some very candid examples of how some of his childhood experiences resulted in unresolved feelings:
I never accepted criticism well. Whenever someone disagreed with me, I’d get defensive. It felt like I was being ridiculed. I am still dealing with childhood wounds and insecurity. Although my wife loved me very much, I did not love myself. By failing to accept my own weaknesses, I could not allow myself to be loved by anyone. I felt undeserving of that love.” This is an example of a psychological maneuver called transference, according to Dr. Twerski, who states, A person may transfer feelings that were appropriate toward person A to person B.”
Gagliano further explains how he sought treatment to gain control over the little voice inside his head that was always telling him that he did not deserve to be happy which he refers to as the warden.” According to Gagliano, the warden is a powerful force that sabotages lives by encouraging destructive behaviors, such as addictive behaviors, and discouraging happiness and healing.
This book is certainly very suitable for those who are battling addictions, since as the author points out: Some addicts who have been sober for a long time may continue to lead tormented, angry lives.” The author shares applicable case studies and helpful tips and suggestions throughout the book, including: how to get the most out of a support group; help for struggling couples; how to conduct a personal self-examination by taking personal inventories; and how to reconnect with one’s parents.
However, it should not be written off as a book simply for those who are suffering from addiction, as it has a much broader application. In the introduction, the author includes a list of questions the reader should ask him or herself to determine whether or not this book could be of help. Basically, this book could be helpful to anyone who wants to break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and self-destructive behaviors.
One of the most powerful messages I ever received came from my nine year old son. While watching a baseball game on television, my son asked me why the kids in the stands were so excited. I said some baseball players are heroes to the children. I suggested that someday one of those players might be his hero. My son paused and said to me, "They may be my hero someday, but you will always be my first hero." I was so touched, I could not reply. As parents we are our children's first heroes, whether we want the responsibility or not.
-excerpt from page 42 from The Problem Was Me
Author Tom Gagliano shares his insights on healing from destructive behaviors and finding peace and spirituality. The book includes tools that he gained while recovering from his own personal struggle with negative and compulsive behavior. According to Gagliano and his co-author, Abraham Twerski, many of the common problems people face are brought on by unhealed childhood wounds. Throughout the book, Gagliano provides some very candid examples of how some of his childhood experiences resulted in unresolved feelings:
I never accepted criticism well. Whenever someone disagreed with me, I’d get defensive. It felt like I was being ridiculed. I am still dealing with childhood wounds and insecurity. Although my wife loved me very much, I did not love myself. By failing to accept my own weaknesses, I could not allow myself to be loved by anyone. I felt undeserving of that love.” This is an example of a psychological maneuver called transference, according to Dr. Twerski, who states, A person may transfer feelings that were appropriate toward person A to person B.”
Gagliano further explains how he sought treatment to gain control over the little voice inside his head that was always telling him that he did not deserve to be happy which he refers to as the warden.” According to Gagliano, the warden is a powerful force that sabotages lives by encouraging destructive behaviors, such as addictive behaviors, and discouraging happiness and healing.
This book is certainly very suitable for those who are battling addictions, since as the author points out: Some addicts who have been sober for a long time may continue to lead tormented, angry lives.” The author shares applicable case studies and helpful tips and suggestions throughout the book, including: how to get the most out of a support group; help for struggling couples; how to conduct a personal self-examination by taking personal inventories; and how to reconnect with one’s parents.
However, it should not be written off as a book simply for those who are suffering from addiction, as it has a much broader application. In the introduction, the author includes a list of questions the reader should ask him or herself to determine whether or not this book could be of help. Basically, this book could be helpful to anyone who wants to break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and self-destructive behaviors.
“...helpful to anyone who wants to break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and self-destructive behaviors.”
—Counselor magazine
“Thomas has been on our program, Joy in Our Town, twice and has brought some incredible insight into what creates some of the roles each of us play in our society. He breaks it down in terms for anyone to understand and, therefore, form strategies that will help correct and/or improve their lives.”
—Evan Eley, Director of Public Affairs, Trinity Broadcasting Network
“This guide will help anyone who is confused about why they find themselves repeating in their adult relationships the harms they endured as children. Here is a way out of the maze.”
—John Leadem, co-author of Surveying the Wreckage
“Thomas Gagliano has been a guest on my syndicated radio show on numerous occasions. He is insightful, informative, inspirational and down-to-Earth. He brings a very personal perspective to universal themes. He relates his own experiences and life-lessons in a way that they become surprisingly familiar to anyone who has dealt with similar issues.”
—Richard Stevens, The Richard Stevens Show
“Tom Gagliano delivers an inspiring message of hope to individuals who have felt trapped in a cycle of self sabotaging behavior. In a voice that is powerful, yet gentle and compassionate, Tom has the ability to capture the imagination and engage the spirit of his listeners!”
—Veronica Faisant, Producer/Host
“Every once in a while, a radio guest comes along with not only pertinent information to share, but also a heart of gold. Thomas Gagliano was that guest for my show, Sharkie's PEP Talk on Healthy Life Radio. He is one of the few people who actually takes responsibility for his life, and teaches others to do the same. His humility, positive perception, gratitude, and willingness to learn from life's challenges are refreshing traits in a world that blames and whines about every little problem. His amazing book, The Problem Was Me, should be required reading for everyone.”
—Sharkie Zartman
“I am a relatively successful owner of an engineering company in New Jersey. For most of my life, I defined myself by the success of my firm. When I first employed Tom I was on the verge of divorce. Tom was able to help me understand the wounds of my childhood trauma. Without Tom's professional guidance there would be absolutely no possibility that my marriage could ever have been salvaged. Quite frankly, Tom helped save my life! I have now been working with Tom for about 3 years and I am constantly amazed how much wisdom and insight that he is able to provide for me. With his guidance, I believe that I have improved as a person, as well as a partner to my wife.”
—Jim
“My name is Dr. Alan Zwerdling and I am a licensed psychologist in the state of New Jersey. I hold a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Maine, and have advanced postdoctoral training from the Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy Institute of New York and New Jersey. I have been in practice for over 20 years, specializing in psychotherapy for adults and couples, and have supervised the work of other masters and doctoral level therapists. My experience with Tom is that he is that rare, natural, intuitive, therapeutic personality who, just by having a conversation, somehow manages to make people feel better. I have met only a handful of people like this in my life. It does not appear to be an effort and may not even be an intention. Tom typically will say something that hits home and makes a difference. His natural, hard earned wisdom is conveyed in an unpolished regular guy manner that matches the man with the message and makes it attractive to the people around him. Tom’s recovery model integrates foundational components of several major models of psychological treatment: the core beliefs and thinking patterns (schema) of cognitive behavioral therapy, the childhood wounds, repetition compulsion, and trauma recreations. The theory makes sense in a practical way that I believe will be accessible to anyone looking to lead a happier, more successful life.”
—Alan Zwerdling, Ph.D, Licensed Psychologist
“Tom’s coaching methods have helped me see things more clearly. To be honest, it didn't wipe away my resentments immediately but without his encouragement I would have given up a long time ago. I trust him with all of the secrets that keep me bound with this devastating addiction. I have always found it hard to trust people, but I do trust Tom. He is a very dear friend and confidant that I will always be grateful to have in my life. I believe his insights and directions will help many people in all walks of life. If he can help others the way he helped me his message must be heard.”
—Greg H., Lakewood, NJ
“Over the past several years Tom Gag1iano has had a profound impact on the Jewish community, bringing healing and serenity to people and families that have long given up hope. He has helped thousands of people and in turn has touched tens of thousands of lives in a positive way. Tom’s approach is unique and admirable. He is truly a remarkable person. Seeing his caring, compassion and understanding of another’s pain and agony has taught me a lot over the years. His approach is so successful I have incorporated some of his methods in my own counseling and clergy work. My conviction comes from seeing the results over the years. People who have been going to mental health professionals for years unsuccessfully, yet by Tom helping them you can see a real shift in their lives. If I could get all the clergy in the state to hear one speaker I would have them hear Tom. The things I learned from him cannot be taught in school or by another individual. He is unique.”
—Rabbi Yossi Hirsch
“I am writing to express my great admiration and respect for Tom Gagliano and his unique ability to help others through life’s challenges. Tom has been my life coach for the past two years. During this time he has helped me to skillfully handle the challenges and difficulties I have encountered in my life. I am always amazed that, after listening to me describe a dilemma or struggle that perplexes me, Tom’s response gets right to the heart of the matter. In doing so, he often uncovers motivations and dynamics that are not readily apparent to me. With his keen insight into the human person, Tom guides me to consider various plans of action and respects the course I choose. I know others Tom has assisted; they report similar experiences as mine. Indeed, sensing his great talent many seek Tom out for his wise counsel and guidance. He has helped many live better, emotionally healthier and more meaningful lives. He has guided couples through the challenges of relationship and has been an effective facilitator of healing and intimacy. With all his giftedness, Tom is a man of great humility; there is no arrogance or air of superiority about him. I highly recommend Tom Gagliano to you. He is an extraordinary man with a special gift of being able to guide others through life’s challenges.”
—Rev. John J. Werner, Priest
“I recently went through the stressful process of moving my family to a new country. I was overwhelmed with fear and doubt. Tom helped me to see that my fears were based on the messages I got when I was young. I was also afraid that my children would not like the new school they attended. I was going to let my fears block me from moving. After doing Tom’s inventories I started to realize that all of these fears were stories I was making up in my head and were based on the one belief that I did not deserve happiness.”
—Ben
“I truly believe I would not have found the courage to take the steps needed to leave my job and go out on my own if it wasn’t for Tom’s coaching. I also believe his methods, when dealing with intimacy issues, helped save my marriage. Tom showed me the ways to trust myself and others again, something I lost a long time ago.”
—Mark
“I always found myself in a dead-end position with a boss who constantly told me I wasn’t good enough. The problem was I believed this message. I employed Tom as a coach and he immediately asked me where this voice came from. Eventually, I realized it was the voice of my father. As a coach he helped me identify this and stop this voice from controlling my behavior. Today I am self-employed, doing better than I ever dreamed. I didn’t realize the hold my childhood messages had in affecting the decisions I made in my economic decisions. Today I enjoy what I do and I make more money than I ever have.”
—Michael, Monroe Township, N.J
“...helpful to anyone who wants to break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and self-destructive behaviors.”
—Counselor magazine
“Thomas has been on our program, Joy in Our Town, twice and has brought some incredible insight into what creates some of the roles each of us play in our society. He breaks it down in terms for anyone to understand and, therefore, form strategies that will help correct and/or improve their lives.”
—Evan Eley, Director of Public Affairs, Trinity Broadcasting Network
“This guide will help anyone who is confused about why they find themselves repeating in their adult relationships the harms they endured as children. Here is a way out of the maze.”
—John Leadem, co-author of Surveying the Wreckage
“Thomas Gagliano has been a guest on my syndicated radio show on numerous occasions. He is insightful, informative, inspirational and down-to-Earth. He brings a very personal perspective to universal themes. He relates his own experiences and life-lessons in a way that they become surprisingly familiar to anyone who has dealt with similar issues.”
—Richard Stevens, The Richard Stevens Show
“Tom Gagliano delivers an inspiring message of hope to individuals who have felt trapped in a cycle of self sabotaging behavior. In a voice that is powerful, yet gentle and compassionate, Tom has the ability to capture the imagination and engage the spirit of his listeners!”
—Veronica Faisant, Producer/Host
“Every once in a while, a radio guest comes along with not only pertinent information to share, but also a heart of gold. Thomas Gagliano was that guest for my show, Sharkie's PEP Talk on Healthy Life Radio. He is one of the few people who actually takes responsibility for his life, and teaches others to do the same. His humility, positive perception, gratitude, and willingness to learn from life's challenges are refreshing traits in a world that blames and whines about every little problem. His amazing book, The Problem Was Me, should be required reading for everyone.”
—Sharkie Zartman
“I am a relatively successful owner of an engineering company in New Jersey. For most of my life, I defined myself by the success of my firm. When I first employed Tom I was on the verge of divorce. Tom was able to help me understand the wounds of my childhood trauma. Without Tom's professional guidance there would be absolutely no possibility that my marriage could ever have been salvaged. Quite frankly, Tom helped save my life! I have now been working with Tom for about 3 years and I am constantly amazed how much wisdom and insight that he is able to provide for me. With his guidance, I believe that I have improved as a person, as well as a partner to my wife.”
—Jim
“My name is Dr. Alan Zwerdling and I am a licensed psychologist in the state of New Jersey. I hold a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Maine, and have advanced postdoctoral training from the Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy Institute of New York and New Jersey. I have been in practice for over 20 years, specializing in psychotherapy for adults and couples, and have supervised the work of other masters and doctoral level therapists. My experience with Tom is that he is that rare, natural, intuitive, therapeutic personality who, just by having a conversation, somehow manages to make people feel better. I have met only a handful of people like this in my life. It does not appear to be an effort and may not even be an intention. Tom typically will say something that hits home and makes a difference. His natural, hard earned wisdom is conveyed in an unpolished regular guy manner that matches the man with the message and makes it attractive to the people around him. Tom’s recovery model integrates foundational components of several major models of psychological treatment: the core beliefs and thinking patterns (schema) of cognitive behavioral therapy, the childhood wounds, repetition compulsion, and trauma recreations. The theory makes sense in a practical way that I believe will be accessible to anyone looking to lead a happier, more successful life.”
—Alan Zwerdling, Ph.D, Licensed Psychologist
“Tom’s coaching methods have helped me see things more clearly. To be honest, it didn't wipe away my resentments immediately but without his encouragement I would have given up a long time ago. I trust him with all of the secrets that keep me bound with this devastating addiction. I have always found it hard to trust people, but I do trust Tom. He is a very dear friend and confidant that I will always be grateful to have in my life. I believe his insights and directions will help many people in all walks of life. If he can help others the way he helped me his message must be heard.”
—Greg H., Lakewood, NJ
“Over the past several years Tom Gag1iano has had a profound impact on the Jewish community, bringing healing and serenity to people and families that have long given up hope. He has helped thousands of people and in turn has touched tens of thousands of lives in a positive way. Tom’s approach is unique and admirable. He is truly a remarkable person. Seeing his caring, compassion and understanding of another’s pain and agony has taught me a lot over the years. His approach is so successful I have incorporated some of his methods in my own counseling and clergy work. My conviction comes from seeing the results over the years. People who have been going to mental health professionals for years unsuccessfully, yet by Tom helping them you can see a real shift in their lives. If I could get all the clergy in the state to hear one speaker I would have them hear Tom. The things I learned from him cannot be taught in school or by another individual. He is unique.”
—Rabbi Yossi Hirsch
“I am writing to express my great admiration and respect for Tom Gagliano and his unique ability to help others through life’s challenges. Tom has been my life coach for the past two years. During this time he has helped me to skillfully handle the challenges and difficulties I have encountered in my life. I am always amazed that, after listening to me describe a dilemma or struggle that perplexes me, Tom’s response gets right to the heart of the matter. In doing so, he often uncovers motivations and dynamics that are not readily apparent to me. With his keen insight into the human person, Tom guides me to consider various plans of action and respects the course I choose. I know others Tom has assisted; they report similar experiences as mine. Indeed, sensing his great talent many seek Tom out for his wise counsel and guidance. He has helped many live better, emotionally healthier and more meaningful lives. He has guided couples through the challenges of relationship and has been an effective facilitator of healing and intimacy. With all his giftedness, Tom is a man of great humility; there is no arrogance or air of superiority about him. I highly recommend Tom Gagliano to you. He is an extraordinary man with a special gift of being able to guide others through life’s challenges.”
—Rev. John J. Werner, Priest
“I recently went through the stressful process of moving my family to a new country. I was overwhelmed with fear and doubt. Tom helped me to see that my fears were based on the messages I got when I was young. I was also afraid that my children would not like the new school they attended. I was going to let my fears block me from moving. After doing Tom’s inventories I started to realize that all of these fears were stories I was making up in my head and were based on the one belief that I did not deserve happiness.”
—Ben
“I truly believe I would not have found the courage to take the steps needed to leave my job and go out on my own if it wasn’t for Tom’s coaching. I also believe his methods, when dealing with intimacy issues, helped save my marriage. Tom showed me the ways to trust myself and others again, something I lost a long time ago.”
—Mark
“I always found myself in a dead-end position with a boss who constantly told me I wasn’t good enough. The problem was I believed this message. I employed Tom as a coach and he immediately asked me where this voice came from. Eventually, I realized it was the voice of my father. As a coach he helped me identify this and stop this voice from controlling my behavior. Today I am self-employed, doing better than I ever dreamed. I didn’t realize the hold my childhood messages had in affecting the decisions I made in my economic decisions. Today I enjoy what I do and I make more money than I ever have.”
—Michael, Monroe Township, N.J